I have the privilege of being married to the most wonderful man in the world. He was created to be my husband (among many other things), crafted to be the one man that can speak into my life like no other man ever could or will. Together, we are the ultimate team! We’re just not quite there yet.
You know the saying “Men are from Mars, and women are from Jupiter?” Well, that pretty much sums it up. For years after I married my husband I thought that maybe my marriage was God’s idea of a cruel practical joke. Maybe he put us together just so that our children could be raised by a Godly mother and father. Maybe he put us together to make me realize how much I need HIM to meet my needs instead of an earthly man. Maybe, just maybe, I married the wrong man all together. But deep in my heart, in my spirit, I knew those things were not truth. I just ached so badly to be known, to have my husband know my heart, my inner most desires and dreams, and most of all, to be pursued and cherished. As women, we all truly desire these things, no matter how many walls we may erect to keep ourselves “safe.” When these desires go unmet many of us pick up emotional and spiritual baggage. This baggage may include anger, frustration, fear, offense, disappointment, bitterness, unforgiveness, judgment, and the list goes on. We build up walls of self protection to make sure that we never have to feel that kind of pain again. We numb out parts of ourselves and become “okay” with everything, sometimes to the point where we lose sight of who we really are all together. Does this sound familiar?
This was my experience for the first 6 years of my marriage. I carried every single one of those emotional and spiritual baggage pieces that I listed above. There were times within that 6 year period where I was able to lay some of them down, but then something else would happen and I would pick the pieces back up again. I built up walls, some pretty big ones, and I relied on them to protect me and keep me safe. I felt I needed to control my emotional and sometimes physical surroundings so that I would not put myself in situations that would bring me disappointment or emotional wounding. I tried to convince myself that the desires of my heart truly didn’t matter because they would just set me up for more disappointment. I had become “okay” with things that were not okay, and I justified it by telling myself that this is what I needed to do to emotionally survive and be there for my kids, but in reality I was dying inside.
Ladies, this is no way to live. God tells us in John 10:10 that “The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life, and have it abundantly.” What I did not realize as I was building my walls, was that not only was I distrusting my husband with my deepest desires, I was distrusting the Lord as well. I took control of the reigns instead of leaning on God and allowing Him to be my protector and healer. I chose to stuff and hold onto my pain instead of nailing it to the cross and leaving it there! The enemy had come in and convinced me that I needed to be my own savior. I was not truly protecting myself, I was walking in sin and that sin was stealing my joy, killing me inside, and on it’s way to destroying my marriage, and all the while I was completely oblivious, wallowing in my own sorrow.
Praise God, for He will “bring to light the things hidden in the darkness” (1 Corinthians 4.5)! It was like the Holy Spirit flipped on the light, and lies became exposed. I realized how deep and entangled these lies had become and how so much of my life was filtered through my “self protection” and “okayness.” But most importantly, I realized that I needed to be set free from a spiritual mindset that had infiltrated my life. The Word of God tells us that “we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against ….the powers of this dark world” (Ephesians 6:12). Dealing with this spirit of control and self protection was not something I could will my flesh to do. I had tried before to lay these things down, but it never really stuck. I always picked my walls back up. The healing that I needed had to go past my head, heart, and soul down into my spirit. I renounced the spirit I was dealing with by the blood of Jesus, repented for my distrust of God and my choice to hold onto the pain, offense, unforgiveness, judgment, etc., and began to replace those lies with God’s truth. Within the next few weeks I was amazed at how lie after lie began to be exposed. It was like my eyes were opened and the bondage that had held me before was unraveled piece by piece.
Next week we will celebrate our 8th year of marriage. YAY! Over the past 2 years we have learned so much together and have come so far. I have seen the need to control the situations in our marriage slip away from me and have felt the peace of the Lord, even when disappointment comes. I am learning to express my heart and trust that my husband will hold it well. Even when he doesn't (he's still learning too) I can rest in the assurance that God ALWAYS holds my heart well. We still aren't quite there yet, but by the GRACE of GOD we're definitely a few steps closer.
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