These are a few of my favorite things...

As the evening winds down and I get ready to hop into bed I ask myself, "what is one of my favorite parts of my day?" As I rack my brain, going through all the many things I've done today, I realize that my favorite parts have nothing to do with what I've accomplished, but instead revolve around the people that I love. My favorite parts are:

1. Snuggling my little Anna on the couch and listening to her giggle as I squeeze tighter and tighter.

2. Seeing my kids faces when I told them they could have 10 minutes to jump on the trampoline with the hose before they had to leave with their Mimi (yes, I know this does not create ideal jumping conditions, but they sure do love it).

3. Finally getting to see my hubby after his long day at work and eating dinner together while discussing church leadership, work, and other things we don't normally get to discuss when the kiddos are home.

4. Kissing my kids goodnight after they were already asleep - especially since Alex was having some funky dream and almost whacked me in the face as she muttered to herself, which made me giggle :)

5. Seeing so many different members of my family in 1 day (I guess it helps that I'm currently living with most of them!).

While it's so easy, at the end of the day, to focus on the things I didn't get done or the things that I still don't have yet, tonight I choose to go to sleep focused on the many ways that I am blessed. Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own and quite frankly I'd rather count my blessings.

In A Season of Waiting

Waiting (as an intransient verb):

1. a: to remain stationary in readiness or expectation
b: to pause for another to catch up —usually used with up

2. a: to look forward expectantly
b: to hold back expectantly

3. a: to be ready and available
b: to remain temporarily neglected or unrealized

Patient:

1: bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint

2: manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain

3: not hasty or impetuous

4: steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

5: able or willing to bear

Waiting patiently is not for wimps and it is certainly not for the faint of heart. It is not about sitting on our hands, inactive and inattentive. It is a fierce battle of the heart, mind, spirit and soul. In a fast paced, have everything now society, we cringe at the idea of waiting. We want a quick and convenient experience, whether it’s at the grocery store or in our relationships (um…facebook). But there are times, seasons, when God takes us into a place of waiting and asks us to do it patiently; to “look forward expectantly” while “manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.” This is the season that I have found myself in for the past 13 months.

I must admit, there are many days that I wish this season would end. There are many times that I have acknowledged the fact that we very well could have forced it to end on several occasions. But, I know that if I continue to give this season to the Lord and seek Him, if I am “able or willing to bear” the process that the Lord wants to take me though to grow me, then not only will I end up with a wonderful home, but I will end up more like Him. And so, no matter how many times I may want to throw in the towel, I continue to press on, urging my heart, mind, soul and spirit to wait patiently and rest in the promises of God. I know His promises are true, His process is good and that He has amazing things in store for me and my family. I just hope I'm nearing the end of the tunnel :)

The Ministry of a Burnt Out Housewife: God Mends our Broken Hearts

I have the privilege of being married to the most wonderful man in the world. He was created to be my husband (among many other things), crafted to be the one man that can speak into my life like no other man ever could or will. Together, we are the ultimate team! We’re just not quite there yet.

You know the saying “Men are from Mars, and women are from Jupiter?” Well, that pretty much sums it up. For years after I married my husband I thought that maybe my marriage was God’s idea of a cruel practical joke. Maybe he put us together just so that our children could be raised by a Godly mother and father. Maybe he put us together to make me realize how much I need HIM to meet my needs instead of an earthly man. Maybe, just maybe, I married the wrong man all together. But deep in my heart, in my spirit, I knew those things were not truth. I just ached so badly to be known, to have my husband know my heart, my inner most desires and dreams, and most of all, to be pursued and cherished. As women, we all truly desire these things, no matter how many walls we may erect to keep ourselves “safe.” When these desires go unmet many of us pick up emotional and spiritual baggage. This baggage may include anger, frustration, fear, offense, disappointment, bitterness, unforgiveness, judgment, and the list goes on. We build up walls of self protection to make sure that we never have to feel that kind of pain again. We numb out parts of ourselves and become “okay” with everything, sometimes to the point where we lose sight of who we really are all together. Does this sound familiar?

This was my experience for the first 6 years of my marriage. I carried every single one of those emotional and spiritual baggage pieces that I listed above. There were times within that 6 year period where I was able to lay some of them down, but then something else would happen and I would pick the pieces back up again. I built up walls, some pretty big ones, and I relied on them to protect me and keep me safe. I felt I needed to control my emotional and sometimes physical surroundings so that I would not put myself in situations that would bring me disappointment or emotional wounding. I tried to convince myself that the desires of my heart truly didn’t matter because they would just set me up for more disappointment. I had become “okay” with things that were not okay, and I justified it by telling myself that this is what I needed to do to emotionally survive and be there for my kids, but in reality I was dying inside.

Ladies, this is no way to live. God tells us in John 10:10 that “The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life, and have it abundantly.” What I did not realize as I was building my walls, was that not only was I distrusting my husband with my deepest desires, I was distrusting the Lord as well. I took control of the reigns instead of leaning on God and allowing Him to be my protector and healer. I chose to stuff and hold onto my pain instead of nailing it to the cross and leaving it there! The enemy had come in and convinced me that I needed to be my own savior. I was not truly protecting myself, I was walking in sin and that sin was stealing my joy, killing me inside, and on it’s way to destroying my marriage, and all the while I was completely oblivious, wallowing in my own sorrow.

Praise God, for He will “bring to light the things hidden in the darkness” (1 Corinthians 4.5)! It was like the Holy Spirit flipped on the light, and lies became exposed. I realized how deep and entangled these lies had become and how so much of my life was filtered through my “self protection” and “okayness.” But most importantly, I realized that I needed to be set free from a spiritual mindset that had infiltrated my life. The Word of God tells us that “we do not fight against flesh and blood, but against ….the powers of this dark world” (Ephesians 6:12). Dealing with this spirit of control and self protection was not something I could will my flesh to do. I had tried before to lay these things down, but it never really stuck. I always picked my walls back up. The healing that I needed had to go past my head, heart, and soul down into my spirit. I renounced the spirit I was dealing with by the blood of Jesus, repented for my distrust of God and my choice to hold onto the pain, offense, unforgiveness, judgment, etc., and began to replace those lies with God’s truth. Within the next few weeks I was amazed at how lie after lie began to be exposed. It was like my eyes were opened and the bondage that had held me before was unraveled piece by piece.

Next week we will celebrate our 8th year of marriage. YAY! Over the past 2 years we have learned so much together and have come so far. I have seen the need to control the situations in our marriage slip away from me and have felt the peace of the Lord, even when disappointment comes. I am learning to express my heart and trust that my husband will hold it well. Even when he doesn't (he's still learning too) I can rest in the assurance that God ALWAYS holds my heart well. We still aren't quite there yet, but by the GRACE of GOD we're definitely a few steps closer.

The Ministry of a Burnt Out Housewife

So, about 2 years I felt inspired to start writing a book, if for no other purpose than to give myself a place to write out many of the things going through my mind about my season of life as a wife and stay-at-home mom. I decided to title it, "The Ministry of a Burnt Out Housewife." Now, 2 years later I think I've written maybe 1/20 of it. What can I say, I'm a starter...but not so good at the finishing thing! So, I was going through old files on the computer the other day and came across this "book" of mine and thought, hmmmm, I should pick this up again. I figured I'd post some of the writings on my blog as I go - some will be old and some will be new. Maybe someday I'll get the book actually finished, but if not at least I'll be able to put some of it here. The first post is an old one and was the intro to the book.

(October 2009) "About 2 weeks ago, my husband and I had a somewhat heated conversation. I had embarked on a new business idea consisting of hand painted signs. Unfortunately, at that time I did not have any place to create my signs other than our kitchen table. With all the time and energy I was putting into getting the signs ready I did not have much time to pick up around the house. I was also making a bit of a mess myself with all my supplies. Now, my husband is a creature of habit. He goes to work and likes to come home to a clean house, which I can completely understand. It is much more relaxing to walk into a home that looks clean and organized than it is to walk into a home that looks like the toy box threw up. And frankly, my husband deserves to have that stress free feeling in his own home after a long hard day of work. The problem is, sometimes I get a little distracted. And this particular week, I was definitely distracted.

The first day my husband didn’t say anything, but I could tell by his demeanor that he was less than pleased at the mess. Our heated conversation occurred on day 2 of him coming home and opening up the door to toy box upchuck. Again, I could tell that he was frustrated and very displeased at the mess he had come home to, so I confronted him. Our conversation led us to a place where I was expressing my frustrating at being expected to have the house clean everyday by the time he gets home. To which my husband unwittingly replied, “Your home all day. It’s your job!” I just sat there, in my chair, feeling like my mouth was hanging open with nothing to say. Not that I couldn’t think of anything to say. Oh, there were words, many words coming to my mind, but none appropriate or productive to say in that moment. What felt like a righteous indignation was rising up in me. How dare he? Does he have any idea how much I actually do around here? There’s the kids doctors appointments, dentist appointments, grocery shopping, field trips, running the kids here and there and everywhere for who knows what, cleaning, cooking, baking, returning the library books, organizing the play room, painting the hallway, planting the flowers out front, and oh by the way I actually have 2 part time jobs on the side. What more did he want from me? I was feeling dry and burnt out and yet, there was a demand for more. Ever feel that way? As “housewives” or “stay-at-home moms” we are committed to a cause that sucks us in way over our heads and sometimes leaves us feeling like we are under paid, under appreciated and in need of a serious vacation (or at least an undisturbed bath).

Over the next few days, as I processed my conversation with my husband, I realized something; most days I viewed my role as a stay-at-home mom as a job. I did what I needed to do, completed my duties, and got the job done for the day, but there was something missing - JOY. What’s up with that? Here I am married to a wonderful Godly man with 3 beautiful children and I’m grumpy with my role in the family. What was going on? God began to speak to me that my “job” as a mother and wife is actually not a “job” at all; it is a ministry. The devil had come in and stolen my joy, convinced me that there was something better out there, and blinded me to the ministry opportunities that I had everyday with my kids, my husband, and the people that I came in contact with throughout my busy day. I had simply chosen to agree with the lie that I was nothing but an unimportant stay-at-home mom than rejoice in the truth that God has chosen me to be his hands and feet to my family. What a calling!"